City Blogger: Grand Theft Auto
- 16 January 2014 11:38
- Posted by @darrylwebster
Canadian Blue Darryl Webster takes a sideways glance at the Premier League table in his latest City Blogger entry...
The other night I awoke to a familiar sound; the sound of a car alarm wailing from the street below. As I lay there unable to sleep I couldn’t help but ponder that age-old question; what if football clubs were car thieves?
Disclaimer: Manchester City Football Club in no way condones the illegal acquisition of a motor vehicle. The Club is simply allowing an eccentric Canadian blogger to have some fun with metaphor by imagining the various ways a football club -- were it to take on human form -- might go about obtaining unpaid transportation.
We can’t very well go through all twenty teams here today, so let’s start at the top of the current Premiership table and see how far we get.
Were Arsenal a car thief I imagine they would be of the slick and cunning variety, slightly James Bond-esque. Arsenal would pose as an invited guest and effortlessly gain entry to the most exclusive parties around London. Once inside they would swipe a valet ticket from an unsuspecting guest before casually driving off with their Bentley.
There was a time when it felt like Manchester City were the ones having all our best cars nicked. But security around the Etihad is much tighter these days and our garage appears safe from those who would attempt to pilfer its treasures.
Today I imagine City as the sort of car thief who no longer takes chances on abandoned lemons in grocery store parking lots. Nowadays our larcenist is all about fine-tuning; ‘find’ a fancy set of tires here, ‘borrow’ a stereo system there, but certainly no need to mess with their collection of the world’s finest automobiles.
“Can you describe the person who took you car?” asked the policeman.
“Yeah, it was Chelsea!” replied everyone.
"I imagine Liverpool was once a terrific car thief, but the advent of the club steering wheel lock has likely caused this once legend to struggle in recent years."
Everton is a true genius. Always finding affordable new motors, installing better engines, upgrading the shocks and teaching people how to drive them expertly. After a few years with a good motor however, this bandit has the odd habit of leaving cars outside of Goodison Park, unlocked with the keys still in the ignition.
Spurs wouldn’t so much steal a car as they would convince the buyer -- let’s say some poor unsuspecting Spanish bloke for example -- the car is worth loads more money than was actually the case.
Before we get to number seven, let’s take a brief detour to consider my hometown. The thought of Toronto FC as a car thief reminds me of a story my dad once told me about his band having their van stolen with all the equipment still inside; only to receive a phone call the next day from the thief himself.
"Hey man, I think I stole your van. I partied a bit too hard last night and when I woke up it was here in my driveway. I was hoping I could get it back to you without the cops getting involved.” Pleaded the thief.
A few hours later my father met the thief, the two men enjoyed a beer together and my dad had his van back. I am fairly certain that’s how most Canadian soccer-clubs-turned-human-car-thieves would deal with a stolen van.
Well that’s all the time we have for this month, shame we couldn’t get to the rest of the table. Please remember that neither MCFC nor myself mean any disrespect to the aforementioned clubs or their supporters.
This was simply a bit of fun -- imagining football clubs as car thieves.